Arriving and working on day 1

Day 1 12/13/04

I’m writing this first journal entry by the light of a kerosene lantern. Becky, Albert’s wife, gave me an electric one, but I told her I didn’t want to be a weenie so she got me the kerosene one. I still have the electric one as back up just in case. I got dropped off somewhere in Amish Country in Lancaster, PA. The taxi driver and I spent 45 minutes trying to find 759 Grass Fed School Road. Imagine our confusion when Grass Fed Road ended at the 500 block (which we thought might be the same as Grass Fed School Road). She (the cabbie) was starting to get frustrated so I told her to just drop me off somewhere and I would walk around. I was dropped off in the middle of Amish country, 50 degrees and windy with an hour left till darkness. I had no idea where to go and couldn’t phone Albert because the only phone he has is in a shed on the road by his house and his voice mailbox was full. Suddenly, down the road I see a black horse and buggy. Maybe they will know where I can find Grass Fed Farm. As the buggy gets closer, I notice a young Amish woman in it. I try to make eye contact and she looks at me briefly, then continues down the road. It’s getting colder and I have no idea where I am. I see another vehicle, this time a white van. As it gets closer, I see that it is owned by the fire department of Lancaster. I flag him down and tell him my dilemma. He lets me hop in and we drive about a block until we see Grass Fed School Road. The farm was only a block away from where I was. I see Albert and we talk about my trip, etc. I hang out for awhile watching him fill out orders. It’s his father’s farm, and after a few minutes we head to his farm, right down the road. We enter his house and he introduces me to his wife Marie, his dog Sparkle, and his daughters, Barbie (10 months) and the twins Lucy and Lisa (1.5 years old). His daughters look at me shyly and his wife greets me warmly. They pull out dinner that they were warming for me in the oven. It was chicken croquettes. Some kind of green beans with brown sweet stuff and some shredded potatoes with cheese and butter I think. Good stuff. I eat about half of it. A little later he takes me to the barn and puts me to work. The first thing I do is “clean the gutters” which consists of helping push a shovel down a gutter filled with cow poop and piss. It’s pretty glamorous. Albert’s father, Peter, is there too helping out. He introduces himself and makes polite conversation. That night I end up milking the cows (with machines), clean up poop and feed them hay¹. The cows seem half oblivious, half freaked out, by the new face. Maybe they’ll get used to me. I’m slightly tired sore and I’m starting to get a migraine. At least I’m not in Manhattan.

1 Milking Holstein cows is very scary. They are a million and one ways they could kill me in an instant. Kicking in the head, crushing against the metal bar, etc. Steps to milking cows the Grass Fed Farms way:

1. Approach from behind, a little to the side. If I approach directly from behind, they probably will kick my head in. Say, “Whoa” so they know I am there.

2. Put my hand on flank. Start wiping feces and what-not off udders while hand is on flank. Throw paper towel in gutter.

3. Attach milking hoses to udders. Come back when the cow is dry. Try not to get kicked in the nuts backing out.

4. Hurry! The other cows are leaking in anticipation!

Working beside the Amish girls

Day 2 12/14/04

Ok, I’m tired, I admit it. It’s a good tired. My back is sore and I still feel good. I’ll probably still feel good as long as my back doesn’t give out or get too sore. Cows are dirty. They’re more than dirty, they’re filthy. They shit everywhere and I mean everywhere: On their udders, on my shoes, they flick it in my face, they can rebound it off the wall and make it land in my mouth or in their vaginas. I seriously don’t understand why cows don’t have major vaginal infections. They shit right on their vaginas. The poop oozes out of their ass, slides across the taint or no-mans land and then oozes ever slowly, slowly across and in their vagina. They don’t care, they’re oblivious to it. They might even like it. I don’t understand how human women have to pee after sex or they get vaginal infections but cow women can poop in their vaginas and be fine. Maybe that’s why men are attracted to sheep more than cows, because even “the shit in the pussy thing” is a turn off even to potential beastialiters. I like to talk to the cows, when I go to the barn in the morning. When they are all there I like to say “Hello Girls” or “How are my Angels” like Charlie’s Angels. They all look at me when I say it; maybe they are saying “Hi Charlie” back. When I clean their udders before I milk them, I’m supposed to say “Whoa” and touch them on the flank so they know I’m there. When I clean their udders, if they are particularly dirty ones, I like to say in a sleazy voice “You’re a dirty girl,” or “aren’t you a dirty girl” and “You’re a dirty girl...Ain’t ‘cha”. I really get a kick out of it. When I’m done cleaning them or milking them, I like to say “Thank You”. If just feels right. I know if someone was rubbing my nipples against my will I would want them to say thank you also. One of them tried to kick me a couple of times today.

I cleaned and packed chicken eggs today¹. It took me over four hours and I still didn’t get them all done. It’s funny, I’m so used to having someone come and rescue me when I get too tired or have been working at the same task for too long. The Amish simply don’t care. Or maybe they do care, but are just used to doing repetitive tasks for so long that it doesn’t bother them². I was cold and sore in the basement, cleaning chicken poop and vaginal debris off of brown eggs. Chicken eggs are disgusting. Want to know what a chicken egg looks like fresh out of the chicken? Bloody tampon + the contents of a lawn mower bag + egg = Fresh chicken egg. Barn animals are disgusting, yet cute in a strange sort of way. I went on my first horse and buddy ride today with Peter, Albert’s father. We went to Homer Adams’s house to make ice cream. They had a gas powered ice cream machine. Horse and buggy rides are fun. The best part is when the horse poops and the smell hits you right in the face. Peter is nice; he cares about good food and believes in what he’s doing. I’m tired. For breakfast I had eggs over easy, yeasted, soaked spelt bread, some kind of sausage gravy thing cooked in copious amounts of butter. (Albert adds more when Marie isn’t looking). Real milk + yogurt. For lunch I just snacked as the day went on and ate Kefir, raw eggs, cream, and cream with honey. For dinner I had mashed potatoes with butter (Albert added more), chunks of ham, garden fresh frozen peas, and a slice of sourdough spelt bread, and lots of butter. My hands smell like cow poop. Goot-Nat (Good Night)

1 Albert had a hen house with over 3000 chickens in it. It was about the length and width of a football field. He was packaging these eggs to be sold under the Organic Valley Free-Range/Cage-Free label. I asked him how could they be marketed under Free-Range/Cage-Free if they didn’t even get that much sunlight and they were crowded together. He said, “I try to let them out as much as possible, but during the winter it is too cold, they would die. Also, I am only required to give them 1.75 sq ft. of space for each bird to be considered Free-range.” Actually, there is no real legal definition for those types of eggs. Albert wasn’t a bad person or trying to mislead people. It was just too expensive for him to not raise them the way he did.

2 I spent hours in this dusty, dark “free-range” barn working alongside Susan and Naomi; two 14 year old Amish workhorses. I remember them bent over the egg conveyor belt, cleaning the debris off eggs in the fading sunlight. Not once did they take a break, go to the bathroom or complain. I was really able to see the difference between our two cultures. In their culture, in some ways, the sexes are more equal. Even skinny, 14 year old girls have to do the same heavy, manual labor that boys and adults do. And they never complain. I honestly think that was the first time in my life that I chose not to weasel my way out of something. It was at the second, in the dark, allergen filled chicken house of death that I pushed passed that invisible barrier and started to become a man.

Amish insights

Day 3 12/14/04 a.k.a. The Beginning of Pain

My back hurts. Not terribly so but more than it has in a while. Enough for me to say, “Whoa, my back is sore.” It should be, I spent 5 hours today bent over sorting, cleaning and packaging eggs. I literally packed over a hundred dozen eggs. That’s over a thousand eggs touched by me. Hope you like them. Susan, Albert’s sister was there with me. She didn’t complain at all. She’s 14 and she’s tough. Amish-tough. She can do more work and lift heavier loads at 14 than I can now. It’s really quite amazing to see how tough they are. Every half an hour or so I wanted to say, “How many boxes left.” Every hour I wanted to say “Can I take a break.” Every two hours I wanted to say, “Can I do something else?” It’s funny, coming from the English world, (“English” means everyone who is not Amish), I ‘m so used to having someone rescue me when I get tired, or say, “Hey, take a break.” Not here, they don’t care. They do, but they do not take many breaks. I was fortunate today to go to an Amish farmers meeting with Albert¹. It was in the second story room of a country health food store. There were about twenty Amish farmers and about 5 English, including myself. They were discussing raw milk, how they are going to start making it more available to customers, how to make it legal, how permits were not a good idea etc. It’s really quite amazing. Most of them have started getting involved with the Weston Price Foundation, talking with Sally Fallon and reading Wise Traditions. A lot of them have only been starting to drink raw milk again in the past several years, even though they were knee deep in it before. It’s amazing how Sally Fallon, who has probably never farmed before, has inspired scores of Amish farmers to start producing and using raw milk products. I was talking with Albert and he said that they didn’t even eat butter that much before they met Sally and now the whole family can’t get enough of it. AND THEY OWN A DAIRY!!!!² This one English lady has infiltrated and gained the respect of a group of people who are known for being private and separating themselves from the outside world. She is doing something which as far as I know has never been done before; she is bringing Amish and English together in a way that has never been done before in history. It’s great to hear the Amish Farmers talk about how great they and their family feel now that they drink Raw Milk and eat grass-fed meat. It’s touching to hear the stories people tell them about how what they do saves their lives. They don’t seem too afraid yet. And I can tell that they really want to help people. They are going to need English help though. Albert said that the Amish can be ignorant on some things like loopholes and legalities. A couple of the English were there. They had some helpful things to say and offer. One person was a “constitutional scholar” and knew everything about permits, loopholes, clauses, etc. I think he could really help them. The other English were helpful too, they got the meeting sidetracked sometimes and seemed like they wanted to run it. It’s funny, most of the Amish there sat and listened and were patient and asked questions. Most of the time, the English were interrupting, getting off track and trying to run the meeting. One English told everyone that if were going to start as association, “We need to start slow and grow slowly like a seed does.” I was thinking, “You ... idiot, they’re farmers, of course they know how seeds grow. They’re Amish farmers. Before they could tie their shoes they were planting seeds.” I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way, I just thought it was ironic. He seems like a good guy. I think he might be gay. He told me later that he lives with his mom³. I feel really privileged to witness all of this going on. I feel like it is a revolution and I’m right in the middle of it. I caught my first runaway goat today, it was easy. A loose bull almost attacked me. That was a little unnerving. They invited me to go to church with them on Sunday; they are having it at their house. I don’t know if I will go yet. They might need family time. I’m tired, Goot-Nat (Good-Night). Sleep well (Schlof-Goot)

1 This was really quite an extraordinary event. Most Amish are poor and if they are farmers, they are usually even poorer. Organizations and people like, Weston Price Organization and Aajonus Vonderplanitz have created such a demand for grass-fed meat and dairy that many of the Amish are able to support their families by producing these products. Of course the PDA and FDA don’t like raw dairy or family farms and were starting to come down on some of them. This meeting was to create some sort of group or organization to represent these raw dairy Amish and Mennonite farmers. So together they would have more power to deal with these authorities. All the Amish and Mennonite heavy hitters were there. It felt revolutionary. I felt like I was in Lord of the Rings at the part where they were trying to decide who was going to take the ring to Mt. Doom. Or like a Union meeting where emotions boil over and everyone starts yelling, “Strike, Strike! Let’s take it to City Hall!”

2 I found this type of thinking pretty prevalent among many of the Amish raw dairy farmers. They would own pigs, but not eat pork. They would milk cows, but buy margarine. The most common reason was, “We were told it was unhealthy for us.”

3 When he gave me his card, it said his name and “Nutritional Consultant”. Everyone and their mom is a “Nutritional Consultant” nowadays. Even I had cards that said “Nutritional Consultant” and I didn’t know shit.

Life on the Amish farm

Day 4 12/16/04 Little Rest

We got a little bit of a break today. We don’t have too many orders and not too much else to do. The gutters are overflowing though and they will need to be cleaned. Albert and family went into town to go to a health food store. I have some free time to write and maybe call my family. It seems by nature, the Amish are innocent. They know about their professions and how to work hard and they haven’t had enough contact with the outside world to grow suspicious. Albert confirms this. They are always a little suspicious of the English though. There is this subculture of Amish people in Pa. and probably other parts of the world who are pretty strict followers of Sally Fallon. They cook from her cookbook, get the Wise Traditions magazine, sell Nourishing Traditions and The Untold Story of Milk, at their farm stands, sell products and foods from Nourishing Traditions and base most of their dietary choices on what she and the Weston Price Foundation says. Most of them have seen amazing health benefits from it for themselves and from their customers. That keeps them going and makes them feel what they are doing is right. With all of this good information and food, some bad information and food sneaks in. Some of the farmers have been using and selling Adulterated Aloe Vera Gel. They have been getting it from someone named Mark. Albert and some other Amish believe it’s really good for them. This brand that they are using is pretty bad. It has artificial flavors, sugar, sodium benzoate, potassium sorbate, etc. It’s pretty gross. On the bottle is says “150% Aloe Vera” and it has a bunch of pseudo-science with big words on the back. I wish they didn’t use it, and I don’t really want to tell them not to yet. They are already doing so many good things and their heads are already swimming with so much info anyways. I don’t want to add on it. There is a big possibility for these people to be taken advantage of. I had to help pick 80 dozen eggs in the hen house again this morning. God I hate that place. It’s allergy city. There is a yin and yang balance of milk and poop in dairying. Milk is good and poop is good, but they are not good together. It’s a delicate art to keep them away from each other, you want milk to drink and sell and you want manure for fertilizer. These cows have so much poop on their udders. I try to get it all off but sometimes I can’t. I wonder if people would still drink milk if they knew what the udders look like. Sally Fallon knows many of these farmers personally and has gained a lot of their trust. I hope she doesn’t abuse this trust. I’m reading a copy of Wise Traditions and there is a cartoon about a guy who is drinking ultra-pasteurized milk. His daughter warns him not to, but he does it anyway. He starts throwing up in the toilet and when he lifts his head out, it’s a skull. It’s basically a propaganda cartoon, even though it may be true, it’s still propaganda. I don’t like propaganda and I don’t like science. It’s funny for me to see people who constantly tell me to beware of some science because it is false but then try to convert me with other science. “Ignore this research, but believe this one!” They don’t really address this issue and I think it just confuses people. I wish someone would come along and tell people that they should experiment with themselves instead of believing in research. Just seeing what traditional people ate and then trying it on myself has worked better for me than any science theory. Science is b.s..

My room is a little bit warmer tonight; at least I am not seeing my breath. Marie said I might be able to sleep in the girl’s room downstairs since it is getting colder, they can sleep on the couch. Albert and Marie are amazing people. The whole family is. We all really bonded tonight, after the milking of the cows. We were talking about everything, from food, society to Sally. He really knows a lot. He cares deeply about people and about what is going on in the world. I was talking about how TV and commercials can brainwash people and make them eat unhealthy. He said the same thing is happening now with the Amish and a lot of them have lost their way. He said that the Amish are a step behind the English regarding health and that they are starting to see more disabilities in children like deafness. He says that a lot of it is because more Amish are buying things at stores instead of making it themselves. His Grandfather’s father may have made butter he said, but then it just gradually faded out. He said a lot of Amish are concerned about “cheap, cheap, cheap” and about saving their farms¹. He likes to use hands and arms when he is talking. He’ll also put his hands in prayer position a lot; I like that. He has big hands. So many people know about Grass Fed Farms. Sally Fallon recommends them a lot of people and lists them in Wise Traditions. Aajonus Vonderplanitz, an all raw diet guy, lists them also. We were joking about Aajonus and how Albert always knows who his clients are because they are emphatic about everything having no salt. Aajonus also recommends eating rotten eggs² and sometimes feces. Marie thought that was gross and said she would never try it. I’ve eaten raw liver before so I said I would give it a try. Albert said he would too. We all laughed. Albert said he didn’t know where he’d be without Sally Fallon. He said that he’d probably be just another guy. Sally is really doing a lot for people. She’s only had her book out for about five years and she already is huge. There are over a hundred chapters of the Weston Price Foundation, many people including me are doing better with what she recommends, she is helping restore and bring out of debt small family farms, and now she is beginning to bridge the gap between English and Amish, I feel that I am in the middle of a revolution. It was a beautiful night tonight. It was warm, no wind and the cows wandered onto the wrong field. I had to run out on lush cool green grass and track them down. I raced Sparkle. The ground was filled with potholes. It took forever. Peter said that the cows didn’t want to go in since they got a taste of freedom. It took so long; as soon as the cows were about to go in, they would run out and I would have to get them again. I didn’t mind, it felt great. The cows let me pet them for the first time tonight. They must be getting used to me. Lisa spoke to me for the first time today. They must be getting used to me too. She said, “Gooden Mua” (Good Morning). Lucy is still too shy, but smiles at me when I’m not looking. I’m making French toast for them tomorrow morning; I hope it turns out well. I’m marinating the bread overnight in the batter (a secret recipe for all of you foodies out there). For breakfast I had ham, savory French toast and sauerkraut. For lunch I had cream, honey and cinnamon. At dinner I had hamburger and onions, cheese and tomato soup. Lots of butter with everything. I drank a lot of whey tonight. Major craving: I love whey.

1 With most of the Amish being poor, they are always looking for ways to save money. One of the ways they do this is by shopping at discount food stores. These stores sell food which have already expired or have other problems with it i.e. dented cans which makes them cheaper. Albert feels that this is the reason why a lot more Amish are being born with birth defects. However, he is in the minority. Many of them do not feel there is a relationship between this toxic food and poor heath.

2 This may sound crazy, but it is actually a popular remedy in Chinese Medicine, they are called century eggs. They are buried in the ground for several weeks to several months until they rot. It is supposed to be an aphrodisiac!

Amish are heroes because people want good food...

Day 5 12/17/04

I can’t believe this is only Day 5; it feels like I have been doing this for weeks. I’m bonding pretty well with everyone even Elizabeth, Albert’s mom¹. She’s funny, she’s hardcore Amish. She walks stiffly and slightly bent over, but she’s super tough. She’s refused my help a couple of times. She always talks to me about church. I’ll say “Hi, Elizabeth, how are you doing today?” She’ll say “Are you going to church with us Sunday?” Today I was talking with Naomi (they pronounce it “Yomo” in Penn Dutch) about a Fed Ex delivery she was getting ready for tonight. Elizabeth pipes in and says, “Are you getting ready for church?” I said, “Isn’t it Friday?” Naomi laughed. I spent 2 hours packaging and bottling kefir today. I drank so much. No mas kefir for a little while. I have unlimited access to food here. Anything, I want, I can have instantly, I just need to go to the freezer. Sour cream, crème fraiche, cream, butter, piima cream, whenever I tire of one dairy fat, I move to the other. The cows are letting me pet them more now. I kind of screwed up today. I was alone and was letting the cows in. I forgot to put grain in their stalls beforehand and they got all snooty. They wouldn’t listen or go to their stalls, they just milled around like a bunch of lemmings². And that bull got in again. He loves sniffing the gutter and the cows’ vaginas. He scares me, Marie says they can sense fear. Marie just runs at him and yells and he moves. She says she wouldn’t do that in a field though. Amish women are tough³. Peter was moving hay tonight while we were milking. He had hooked up two of the Belgians (big horses) to this strange gasoline powered contraption. It was a forklift in front, horses in middle, and him at the back with levers and a flashlight. He looked like Merlin or Gandalf. His black Amish hat, his gray, long, wispy beard shining eerily in the light of the moon and backwash of the flashlight. He looked regal, commanding this horse/man/machine mixture⁴. I saw the same look on George’s face (Albert’s Brother) earlier in the day as he was commanding four of the horses with a large manure container thing on wheels. Quick funny memory of a couple of days ago, when I was at the Amish farmer’s meeting, there was an English there who was a constitutional scholar who was giving advice on legalities and loopholes. He was explaining the difference between legal and lawful. He said legal is obeying the government’s laws, and lawful is obeying God’s laws. He said to all the Amish there, “Which one are you going to do?” It was awesome, he was calling the Amish out to see what they really believed. I think that guy could help them a lot. These Amish farmers truly are heroes. Some of them are selling raw milk and raw milk products event though it’s illegal because they know it is helping people and saving people’s lives. They could lose their farms, go to jail, but they are doing it anyways because they truly care⁵. More people should be like them. Goot-Nag. For breakfast I made French toast, onion and cheese omelettes and scrapple. Marie got a break cooking and everyone loved my food. First time making French toast. I let it sit overnight in the marinade. Gave the leftovers to Peter, he loved them too. Lunch was cream and kefir. Dinner was hamburger meat, roasted potatoes and garden fresh frozen peas, sour cream and sauerkraut.

1 Elizabeth is hardcore Amish. She is around 50, looks like she is 60-70. Has a little mustache, stooped over, walks with a limp and always suspicious/slightly paranoid. Works her ass off and doesn’t complain. She was always very kind to me.

2 Grain is the “worm on the hook” for cows. The only reason that they let me get “all up in there” is because they are happily munching on grain. It’s kind of like human females. If I show the cows a good time (dinner, dancing, etc) I’ll be getting some (milk) by the end of the night!

3 Marie was never afraid of the bull. She would run straight at him, grab the chain attached to his nose, etc. I was too much of a sissy.

4Driving a fork lift is hard enough. Imagine driving a forklift attached to 3 horses!

5 The Amish are hardcore. The Amish don’t go to public school. Instead each community has their own one room schoolhouse. After 8^th grade, the children are usually taken out of school to work at home and learn their family’s trade. In the early 1990’s the government began forcing Amish children to go to high school. Albert said that they were sending Amish to jail over it. He said he had a little old lady neighbor who had 15 year old and an 8 year old. She refused to send them to school after 8^th grade because she needed them to help around the house or they would starve. So they threw the old lady in jail and the 15 year old ended up taking care of the 8 year old. 30 dollars a 100 lbs 8 gallons, feed them grain 3-4 gallons grass 2 gallons 50 amos sly snake, meshuganneh (an affectionate term for a crazy person, in Yiddish) bought a cow destroyed it tb, push the small farmers out note from pda “How nice” animal identifications. Get calls every day from new people, “they want good food”. Never seen it grow like this, people want stuff that they have never had aaj (Aajonus) and Sally are doing best job, educating people.”

The sleep and music cure...

Day 6 12/18/04

This morning I was tired. I got up, stretched, drank some whey and went downstairs to milk the cows. Lucy or Lisa was crying. It’s hard to tell them apart. Barbie was crying also. I started singing to myself Jack Johnson’s song, “Times like these, times like those, what will be will be, and so it goes.” They stopped crying. I only know some of the words to that song. I started singing, You Really Got a Hold On Me They were just listening and weren’t crying. They’ve never heard those songs before. “Bischt Meet”, “Are you tired?” “Bischt happy”, “Are you happy?” Marie told me one time that she was putting the girls to bed and they were complaining. She told them they can’t go to bed if they aren’t happy. Now whenever she tells them its bedtime, they say they are happy. I ate some raw beef fat today. We are making tallow so I figured I would give it a try. It wasn’t that bad. There was some meat on it also and I ate some of that too. I felt okay. I then ate a piece of organ meat that was on it. It looked like a liver or a kidney. I got the same familiar good rush that I usually get from eating raw liver. I felt really good. About an hour later. I started feeling really sick. I went home and was in the bathroom. I was trying as hard as I could to poop, because the pain was coming from my large intestine. It was fluctuating a lot, the pain. I was on the floor praying to God to take the pain away. It was probably the worst I have ever felt in my life. If there had been a button which had said, “Kill parents, take away pain” I would have pushed it. I almost asked them to take me to the hospital. I wasn’t relishing a horse and buggy ride to the hospital. I went to my bedroom. I drifted in and out of sleep for several hours. I woke around nine or ten and heard Susan and Naomi, Albert’s sisters chatting in Penn Dutch with Marie and the kids. There’s a hole in the floor in my room right by where the stove pipes comes through. I switched to this room because it is warmer. They chatted for a while, then left. Marie started playing the harmonica. It was a familiar tune. One of those songs which has the same rhythm and notes as the Americana ones but with a European twist. I liked hearing her play it. I crawled over to the hole in the floor and looked and listened. I would see Lucy and Lisa dart in and out of view every once and awhile. The music was making me feel good. It was the only thing that was at the time. She stopped playing and started singing. It was the same song and rhythm but she was singing in German, I think. It was really pretty. It made me cry a little bit. It helped me go back to sleep.

rumspringa

Day 7 12/19/04

I felt a little bit better this morning, but not that much. Albert knocked on my door to let me know he was milking the cows, he knew I wasn’t feeling too well. He said I didn’t need to come if I didn’t want to. After about 30 minutes I felt like I could get up. I stretched and went downstairs. Marie was there dressing the girls for Church. Everyone had to get up earlier so we could milk the cows before church. She said Albert was feeling sick and he was back in bed. The cows hadn’t been milked yet. She said she couldn’t because she was dressing the girls. I asked her if she wanted me to do it. She said to go see if Peter could help me. Church started in about an hour so we needed to hurry. I found George and he said he would help. We rushed over there and started milking and cleaning the cows, we had to work fast. I remembered which ones were dry and which ones had an infected udder. George left when we had two cows left. I tried to milk them but couldn’t get the machine to stay suctioned. I took care of the milk, hayed the cows, cleaned up the poop and came back in. Albert was still in bed sleeping. I made him a vegetable stew with some beef broth so he would feel better. I ate some too. It felt good to help out. I’m still feeling sick. I don’t know if it is because of all the kefir I drank yesterday or the raw meat. The pain was in my intestine so that couldn’t have been from the raw meat or fat because it happened too soon afterwards; I don’t know. I was talking to Albert about Aajonus Vonderplanitz, the raw meat, rotten egg guy. Albert said, Aajonus gets angry if he sends him eggs which have been cleaned. Aajonus likes them dirty and will even partially crack them to make them rotten before he eats them. Albert also sends eggs to Organic Valley and they will send them back if there is a speck of dirt on them or if there is a slight crack you can only see with a flashlight. He said it can be confusing sometimes. I understand. They had church at Peter’s house this Sunday at night, all of the Amish teenagers got together and sang Christmas songs in German. Marie wanted to go, but then I made her a fat omelet and she decided to stay. Albert and I went. It was snowing slightly and the wind was picking up. We were sneaking around outside like we were up to no good. Albert didn’t want to “get caught,” it would have been fine if we did. There were about 30 girls and 30 boys sitting across from each other with some adults on the side. Most were singing, a lot were goofing off, talking and laughing. We saw one Amish teen through the window. He was talking on his cell phone but hiding it behind the song book¹. I asked Albert if that was okay. He said it wasn’t. I asked if I could shine the flashlight on him. He said no, but that he would. We were shining the flashlight on him for about 30 seconds but he didn’t notice. We hung out inside for a little bit. I asked him about rumspringa² and he seemed to get slightly offended. He said producers came around looking to put Amish teens on rumspringa on a TV show. He said Amish people like to isolate for reasons like that. We walked back to the house. It was getting colder and windier. We came home. The kids were asleep. We started talking about life and death, food, etc. We started getting too serious so I asked Marie to play us a song on the harmonica. She did and it was nice. For breakfast I had vegetable stew (onions, carrot, potatoes) cooked in beef broth. It helped Albert and I not be sick. For lunch I had bread, cream and honey. I made them omelettes for dinner, filled with sweet potatoes, onions, hamburger meat and cheese. “Ni Bicsch Dum Mwa?” “How are you this morning?” Schlof Goot.

1 It is becoming more common for Amish teenagers to break their religious rules by using technology.

2 From what Albert told me, Rumspringa is the Amish “Rite of Passage”. The Amish don’t baptize at birth, because they believe that people need to be at a mature age to accept Jesus as their personal lord and savior. Rumspringa is the time of adolescence where they decide if they want to accept Jesus and remain in the Amish church. Different Amish communities have different customs. In the media and on TV, it has been popularized as a “Sin Free For All” where Amish engage in sex, drugs and, yes, rock n’ roll. According to the Amish I spoke to, this is not the norm; they even find it amusing. This type of rumspringa is more common among the New Order Amish; a sect that broke away from the original or Old Order because they wanted more access to technology. In Albert’s community, at the age of sixteen, the Amish teenagers join a church group. This is like a “singles club” where the teenagers meet each other and decide who they want to marry; after which they leave the church group. George said that his church club was pretty good; they would do a little drinking but they didn’t get too crazy. An interesting side note. The Amish remain in the church group until they get married. It was interesting because there were some Amish in the late 20’s who were in that group who hadn’t gotten married yet. Everyone else was 16-19.

...exactly one week now

Day 8 12/20/04

So I have been here for exactly one week now. It seems like I’ve been here for a month. It wasn’t hard for me to adjust. There aren’t any distractions or artificial lights to keep me up. I fall asleep relatively easy at 8:30 or 9:00. I’ve bonded really well with almost everyone here. It wasn’t that hard, at first there was a lot of polite conversation and small talk. Now we laugh and joke and there are a lot more smiles. I’m around the whole family 24/7 so it happens more quickly. I had to wake up at 5:30 this morning. Usually I wake up at 6:30 or 7:00. Albert usually wakes up at 6:00. A bunch of them were going to the chiropractor to get adjustments. It was insanely cold. It was so cold that the hot water pipes froze in the house, ironically, the cold water ones didn’t. The wind was howling, making it seem even colder. This was the first time I did not have fun milking cows. It didn’t run smooth as it normally does. The barn was freezing inside. No one expected it to get that cold that quick so most of the windows were left open, making the barn really cold. It was cold, windy and smelly and the cows were angry because the water pipes froze and they couldn’t get water. We had to spend half an hour closing the windows putting bales of hay in place where cold was getting in, etc. Even the milkers were frozen and had to be thawed. Everything took a lot longer today than usual which made it frustrating. Plus I was super cold, my face was numb. I am going to start growing a beard. A funny thing that happened today was that Albert had put a big flat board over part of the entrance where the cows come in. The other half was nailed to it to prevent the cold coming in. This was loosely put over it so we could move it. I was taking the milker off the cows when all of a sudden I hear a large crash. I turn around and the bull that always messes with me and two cows are charging through (not super charging but fast enough charging) the entrance down the lane. I’m thinking “Cows Gone Wild” and I start screaming “Albert, Albert!” I was scared. Then I saw that he was behind them and I felt okay. I worked three hours this morning before I had breakfast from 5:30 to 8:30 in the freezing windy cold with mad cows. I felt okay. After milking the cows I piled in a van with Albert, Marie, the kids, some of the Fischers and two other Amish women. Amish don’t drive cars they have English or Mennonites to drive them¹. It was a 2 hour drive to the chiropractor. The driver was a nice guy. Old, tall and fat, he asked us to pray for a safe journey before he left. He would make extremely small, small talk from time to time like, “So you have twins huh?” Every once and a while he would sneak a pinch of tobacco and place it between his lip and gums. I offered him some milk that I had but he said he didn’t eat breakfast in the morning so he wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom as much. Every once and awhile Barbie would start to cry, Marie would start playing her harmonica to quiet her down. It was that same song she often plays that sounds like a cross between “Oh, Susanna” and “Whiskey in a Jar.” It always makes me start singing “Whiskey in a Jar” in my head. We went to the office and were all waiting in the waiting room. Albert paid for a session for me even though I didn’t really want it. It was nice of him to offer it to me. We joked that since I am his horse that this will only help me work harder. He always calls me “Gouda Gao” (Good Horsey). It was interesting to go to a western health practitioner again. I haven’t been to one in years because I usually find myself unsatisfied with the quality of care I receive. I haven’t been to a chiropractor in years. I had a bad experience last time I went. This guy was very charismatic and had a wham, bam, thank you ma’am approach. He entered the room full of energy with his hand extended. I told him I generally have some low back pain on the right side but just wanted a tune up. He sat me on the table and asked me to put my arm up. He told me to resist as much as I could. He pushed really hard and my arm went down. He looked at me really seriously and said “Power Loss.” He then cracked some part of my back, pushed down half as hard on my arm again and looked at me like it was better. I’ve had muscle testing done before and he was doing it right, he wasn’t really checking to see if my “Power was regained.” He did a couple of my body parts. Pulled my legs, cracked my neck and jaw. He talked about “power” and “energy“ a lot. When he would move from one side of the table to the other he would do a little 360 move around me. It seemed he was following a familiar game plan. When we were done he asked me how I felt, I told him, “Great” which was true. I then asked him what I could do to help myself on my own, like stretching. He looked up thoughtfully for a couple of seconds then with total seriousness said, “Stretch, get plenty of rest, eat well and you’ll be just fine.” He patted me on the shoulder then left the room. The whole experience lasted under 5 minutes. I felt good though. For breakfast I had a scrapple sandwich with milk on the van, some cream with honey and leftover mashed potatoes and some chicken. For dinner I just had some home grown spearmint tea with some cream. Marie didn’t help us in the barn tonight, she needed to tidy up the house and watch the kids. It’s a lot harder to breath in there with all the windows closed. I was really tired. I saw Elizabeth and she asked me why I didn’t go to church Sunday. I told her “Because Albert was sick and I had to milk the cows. She said “Oh, yes.” “Vas en schlofen” (Were you sleeping?)

1 Many English make their living driving Amish around. Sometimes, the drivers try to do it under the table. One of the drivers who got paid under the table told me that he got fined one time when an Amish turned him in.

Day 9 12/21/04

Day 9 12/21/04

Nothing much happened today. I had to sleep in because I had a headache. I think this room is too damn cold. Marie keeps on trying to adjust the stove so I have heat, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. I made them dinner and dessert though, to make up for it and I helped with the cows at night. I made a beef broth stew with veggies. For dessert I tried to make a flourless chocolate cake with just eggs and butter. The flavor was okay, it poofed up a lot during baking and then settle back down, it was also kind of soggy in the middle. I’m going to try it again this time with longer and higher heat or let it sit for several hours.

chickens, nutrient density of eggs

Day 10 12/22/04

It felt like a pretty standard day today. This morning while we were having breakfast, an English named Bobby knocked on the door. He was Albert’s feed supplier. He had bad teeth, thick glasses, a mullet and cowboy boots¹. He was talking to us when someone else knocked on the door. It was a man and a woman from the PDA (Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture). They came to talk to Albert about his chickens. They said if you have over 3000 birds and you sell to retail stores, that you are required to have the PDA check on you. Plus, they’ve found manure on Albert’s eggs before, so they need to make sure they are being packed well. The man did most of the talking, he sounded kind of nervous. Bobby would stop them and ask questions even though he wasn’t the reason they were there. It seemed like Albert and Marie just wanted to enjoy their breakfast. The PDA-Holes left, Bobby hung around for a little bit. Albert really doesn’t want the PDA around, he doesn’t want them finding out about him selling raw milk and meat². On all of Albert’s meat the butcher has to put “Not For Sale” on them. I think because he is either not USDA certified or Albert is selling meat that he is not allowed to sell. Albert said if he goes to the USDA butcher, there are only certain things they will let him have. They won’t let him have the hooves, the brain or other parts that a lot of people want now. I helped Albert pack for about 4-5 hours today. They’re really busy. Marie wishes he would get someone else to take care of the cows so he wouldn’t be so stressed. It was a beautiful night tonight, it smelled magical. It was autumn warm the whole day today and the night was crystal clear. I squirted some milk from the udder straight into my glass today and drank it. I think I like milk straight out of the cow best. I had some fresh Jersey milk today also, I like Jersey. I’ve been making this song in my head called, “Jersey Girl.” The Weston Price people would probably love it. It’s kind of a propaganda song. One of the lines is, “Cause Brown Swiss don’t give enough, and the Holstein gives way too much, Jersey Girl you’re the one for me.” In a deep country voice, “you really moooooooo-ve me, Jersey Girl.” Cheesy stuff like that. I climbed the corn silo tonight after we milked the cows. I don’t think I was supposed to, but they didn’t know. It wasn’t scary. It was so beautiful tonight I had to. I had a great view, I was closer to the moon. For breakfast I had scrapple, country ham, toast, sauerkraut, snacked on cheese and whey throughout the day, had green beans with ham mashed potatoes and hamburger meat for dinner.

1 Bobby had a lot of interesting things to say about chicken feed. It is a common misconception among people that the brighter or more orange the yolk, that the more nutrient dense it is. This is not always true because, as Bobby told me, he puts special ingredients in the chicken feed to brighten the yolks. Marigolds is the most common, red peppers is another. Bobby said that sometimes they add to much red pepper to the feed and it actually turns the yolks bright red. Most “organic” chickens are fed highly processed soy. Soy bean in it’s natural state is very difficult for poultry and humans to digest. Most of the soy added in chicken feed has been bathed in acidic baths, high temperature treated and has even had arsenic added to it. After all of this processing, can these chickens still be considered organic? With such nutrient poor eggs, marigolds and red peppers must be added or else no one would buy them!

2 Nearly every Amish and Mennonite farmer that I spoke with said the PDA (Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture) has a history of harassing farmer’s who sell raw milk. Several months after I left Albert’s, I was told something very disturbing. The PDA was visiting Amish Church Bishops in the area, telling them to pressure raw dairy farmers to stop selling raw milk. The PDA recited passages from the bible that they felt showed that it wasn’t right to sell raw milk because it was against the law. I heard this independently from not only Amish, but other Mennonite farmer’s as well. I am told this is still happening to this day.

Day 11 12/23/04

Day 11 12/23/04

I woke up earlier today than usual, around 6:00am. It was sprinkling and the sun had not come up yet. Once we started milking, it started raining a lot harder. We ate breakfast and I started helping Marie make ice cream. I was going to go over to Homer Adams’s house to slaughter turkeys and they needed ice cream made so I was going to bring it over there to do it. I got into the buggy with Barbie (Amos’s sister) and she drove me in the rain to Homer’s house. Homer is the Amish version of an attractive man. About 6’0-6’1, handsome, strong, hearty disposition. He welcomed me and took me to the back where they were slaughtering turkeys. He introduced me to Richard, a friendly co-worker. Richard took me to the Turkey pen. He showed me how to catch them, “Grab both of their wings.” I had never slaughtered or killed anything more than a bug before so I was nervous¹. I didn’t want to hurt them when I caught them so I tried to be gentle². It made it more difficult to hold on to them. I felt like it didn’t make sense that I was trying to be gentle because they were going to be dead and I was going to kill them soon. We took four and put them upside down in buckets with holes in the bottom for the heads to come through. Richard showed me how to do it. He said you need to pull on their necks and then cut the veins on either side of their throat. He said that you don’t want to cut their wind pipe because then they won’t pump out a much blood and that will make the meat bloody. He did it to one, the bird didn’t even struggle that much. Blood started spurting out on his hand. It felt really weird. He let me do the next one. This was going to be the first time that I’d ever intentionally killed something with my hands. I wasn’t very good at it. I didn’t want to do it too hard because I didn’t want to hurt it and that only made it hurt more. Warm blood spurted on my hand. It felt really warm. He finished it off for me because I couldn’t do it right. The bird was struggling. I tried to do the next one. I cut a vein and I accidentally cut the windpipe. I heard it start gasping for air as its neck pulled up and down. I think I did the next one, I can’t remember. We finished and we went to the room where the birds were being cleaned. It was inside, it was rainy, windy and grey outside. They showed me how to eviscerate and clean it.
1. Cut off the butt hole
2. Slice open the abdomen
3. Remove the gizzard (save it)
4. Remove the intestines.
5. Remove the liver carefully and take off the green gallbladder, making sure not to puncture or it will make everything bitter.
6. Take out the heart (save it).
7. Remove the lungs and anything else.
8. Turn it over and remove the oil sack on the butt.
9. Cut out the soaking sack in the neck area without dislodging the grain in it onto the meat.
10. Wash it, put it in water.

It felt really weird to do all this. The birds were alive 15 minutes ago. As I was pulling out the intestines, poop would come out the butt and get on my hands and the bird. It felt gross at first, and then didn’t feel gross after awhile. My work area smelt like turkey and turkey shit. I was feeling really weird. Richard and Homer were used to it. We finished up the turkeys and went to go get the chickens. Homer had two big yellow crates. He said most of the chickens were small, so try to get the biggest ones. The chickens had a chicken area and they were running all over the barn in the cow stalls, horse pens, etc. I was chasing one. I stood up and I felt and heard a crack. I opened my eyes and looked around. I had hit my head on a low hanging ceiling something or other (hay bin). Homer had heard it or seen it and asked how I was doing. I said I didn’t know, something was dangling in my eye. It was a piece of skin with some eye brow attached to it. He asked me if I was bleeding, I said I didn’t know. I started feeling warm drops fall past my face. He came and looked at me and said to follow him and we’d get a band aid. I followed him into a side room and he got me some supplies. His wife Lisa came in and said that I’ll probably have that scar for the rest of my life³. I bandaged myself haphazardly up and walked back to start slaughtering the chickens. Before I had hit my head and after we had finished the turkey’s we had supper which means lunch to the Amish. It was great, Homer is a farmer and a dairy man so he had his milk products and vegetables there. His butter was so bright orange that I though it was cheddar cheese. He said it was that way because all of his cows are Jerseys. We talked about Sally Fallon and Weston Price. He mentioned they started getting into this lifestyle because his wife was sick and was on a bunch of different medications. He mentioned that she had “chronic fatigue, hypoglycemia and her whole endocrine system was shut down.” He talked about his wife being sick and being on drugs a lot. I don’t know if that bothered her or not. They talked about their kids and the major difference in them in the ones conceived before they changed their eating habits, and the ones afterwards. They said the ones conceived after they started eating better were fatter, seemed healthier and didn’t cry as much. They said they didn’t talk about this much around the one who was conceived before this lifestyle change. We walked back to the slaughter room and put the chickens in the buckets. I was getting good and was able to do it without too much trouble. I was feeling weird and I didn’t know if it was because I was killing or because of the cut in my head. Homer walked away and I tasted some of the chicken blood. I’ve heard it has health benefits. It tasted like my blood, but with a slight chicken taste. I felt okay on it, I noticed an alert feeling, but I didn’t eat enough to get a full blown effect. They defeathered the chickens and I started cutting them up. I was getting good and faster. I ended doing them all but one. The most interesting part was the soak sack. A sack that poultry have where they soak the grains they eat before they digest them. I guess this shows why it might be good for humans to soak their grains too. I felt slightly nauseous and happy, and weird the whole time. We finished. I wiped off all the blood as best I could and I went to go make ice cream. For an hour and a half we tried to get the machine started. We couldn’t so we gave up. I helped him out a little bit then George (Albert’s brother) picked me up. We were talking about Christmas and girls. He joked and said that if I married one I might be able to live with them. We both laughed. I got home, it was rainy and windy, I was tired and wet and I had to milk the cows with Peter and Marie, Albert was busy packing. I really did not enjoy doing it. Homer’s farm feels different. He raises Jerseys. All the animals hang out and co-mingle in the barn and he seems genuinely happy and satisfied about what he’s doing. Albert and the whole family are really busy now with so many orders. Albert can’t worry about packing and milking at the same time so he is always busy and stressed which makes Marie and the kids stressed. I felt like I didn’t want to be there. I feel like Albert is doing as good of a job as he should. For breakfast I had an egg with cheese, sauerkraut, bacon and apple butter. Supper (lunch), Jersey butter, crisp lettuce, fresh turkey, meat and vegetable stew. Dinner some cultured buttermilk, snack: cream, whey, and apple.

1 I was just coming off of being vegan for a year and a half and now I was killing chickens. I grew up pretty sheltered so this was a huge deal for me.

2 It was ironic that in order to kill the chickens quickly and more painlessly, I had to be firm and grab them hard. I wanted to be gentle, but that made them hurt more. This is where I learned how to be firm and loving at the same time.

3 I didn’t know if this was coincidence or not. This was the first time in my life that I had ever intentionally killed something. On that same day, I got a permanent scar on my face that will remind me of that day everytime I look in the mirror. Maybe, this was God’s way of saying, “Hey, respect life!” Or maybe God was saying, “Now you look like a badass!”

The butcher

Day 12 12/24/04

We woke up a little earlier today. There’s a rhythmic sort of sound in the barn. The cows mooing, the sound of the milk machines sucking, sound of cows turning on the water and drinking, Marie saying “Whoa”. The sound of the poop and pee hitting the gutter. There are a lot of layers. At night when it’s time for the cows to be milked we have to call them in. We yell “Come-On!” It sounds like that, I don’t think it means anything in German. I think we say it because it sounds like the cows mooing a little bit. I think it’s our half-assed way of trying to trick them to come in, like it’s their cow friend saying “Hey come on, it’s fun in here and there’s yummy grain!” We were taking the milk over in the spudnick to be separated into milk and cream. We have to do that twice a day usually when Peter has a lot of orders. The spudnick looks like a little Russian satellite. Maybe that’s why they call it the spudnick. It’s a big metal ball on wheels that you empty the pails of milk in and can use to transport short distances. We were almost at Peter’s house and Albert saw a car turning down his street, "The butcher’s here.” He said. We were going to butcher a calf, a cow, and two pigs today. I though we were going to do it at night for some reason. Maybe because I associate “killing” and “death” with being hidden. I hadn’t had breakfast yet. I was still feeling weird from yesterday. My cut was still open pretty bad. The raw honey that I put on it was helping, I think. My body heat was melting it, every once and a while I’d have to wipe it out of my eyebrows and eyes. The butcher picked us up and took us back. He was a Mennonite, he had his son Joseph, about 12 years old with him. I forgot the butcher’s name. He looked like a butcher or a hitman. He looked like Jude Law’s character in Road to Perdition. He was wearing a Mennonite hat and glasses, blue medical gloves, he was driving with them on. Thin pale face. His son had crooked teeth, pale, looked like a normal young kid. He was wearing mechanic's overalls. The kind where it’s like a full suit and the pants are attached to the shirt. They both had bloody knife holsters. We parked behind the barn and Albert went to go get the calf. I helped them open the barn doors. They started putting on these butcher utility belts with knives and sharpeners etc. I went to go help Albert. He was trying with all of his strength to push the calf out of the barn. It was a small white and black Holstein calf. There was a rope tied around its head. I started pulling the rope while Albert pushed. The calf really didn’t want to go. We got it to where the butcher was. He had a small rifle. Albert held the back while he held the rope. He put the rifle on top of the calf’s head. The calf was still struggling. He pulled the trigger, it made a loud pop. The calf immediately dropped to its knees making a loud crack on the cement floor. It fell to the ground and started twitching with a stream of blood coming from its head. Joseph started laughing and shaking like the calf. Sparkle was barking. The butcher came over and stuck the knife into the cow’s neck, or maybe it was the heart and blood gushed out. The blood was really dark red and made little streams that went down the hill. They started cutting off the legs and slicing the calf into pieces. Albert and I went to the barn, I don’t remember if it was before the calf or after. We had to get a harness around the bulls head so we could call it out. We had to trick it. Albert tied a string to the part of the gate that the cows put their heads through to eat. He gave the bull some grain to get it to put its head through. The bull did and we pulled the string closing the gate on its head. The bull didn’t like that and was fighting. I was with the butcher and watching them with the calf. I went down to help Albert and I saw the pigs already dead in the horse stalls. They had been shot in the head and had their throat cut out. We got one of the Belgians (the big horses) and tied a rope around the pig to the horse. We dragged it up to the back of the barn. The horse started freaking out and wouldn’t go all the way to where the dead calf was. I think it smelled the blood and didn’t want to be next. We finally got it up there. We went and got the other pig. This time Albert had a stick and had to whack the horse a couple of times to get it to take the pig up there. They cut apart the pigs. It was weird they had a couple of different garbage pails for things. They would put the head and skin in one, hooves in the other. It surprised me how non-kids gloves they were. We went to go get the bull, it took Albert and me both pulling on it to get it out of the barn. We tied it on the back of a long wagon to which two of the Belgians were hooked up to. The bull was freaking out, it was falling down, jerking its head, it really did not want to go with us. We started going towards the barn. I jumped on top of the wagon. I was above the bull and watching it. It was really angry. We got it to the barn and we had to back up the wagon to get the bull in a good spot so we wouldn’t have to drag its dead body too far. The butcher jumped on the wagon and started kicking it in the side of the head and ribs to move it over. He got it to a good spot and put the rifle in the center of its head. All of a sudden the bull stopped struggling and stood still. The butcher pulled the trigger and the same "THUNK" sound happened when it hit the cement floor. Earlier when we brought the dead pigs up to the barn, Sparkle started attacking it. When the calf was still shaking and dying, Joseph was laughing and shaking too, mocking it. Sparkle started humping the cow’s legs¹. We were butchering the bull and the butcher looked at Albert and asked him, “Did you know that we buried my dad Tuesday?” Albert didn’t. Albert said, “So he is sound asleep." The butcher said “No, he is wide awake.” He stated talking about how his dad would talk about “the Lord” to everyone he met, and that is why he is in heaven. He said his dad died of brain cancer. While we were butchering, he would stop everyone once and a while and say something about his dad. He would smile or laugh; talk about memories. How they did not have to take the car keys away from his dad, Ken, when he wasn’t fit to drive anymore. The butcher said, “Some people you have to take the keys away from, but not him.” It seemed like he wanted to talk about his dad. Sometimes he would say something about the Lord like “People who run with the Devil, that’s what they get.” Stuff about the Lord and Devil. Maybe he was doing it because that’s what his dad did and he was trying to be like him. Maybe Joseph will be talking like that in a couple of years. I was surrounded by death. It was one day before Christmas and in those two days before Xmas I had killed more and seen more death that in all of my life put together. I wonder if I am gong to have nightmares. I wonder if the animals I killed are angry at me.². I feel weird. I went to Wal-Mart with George, Susan and Naomi toady. I left the unfinished ice cream in Homer Adams freezer and I needed to stop by the health food store to pick up some groceries. We hopped in the horse and buggy. We drove for around half an hour. On not so busy roads, on busy road and full on stop light/4 way intersections where we barely made it through³. It was Xmas day. The streets and parking lost were crowded. It was difficult to try and navigate a horse and buggy through a crowded Wal-Mart parking lot. We got to a hitching post at the far end of the parking lot. There were a couple of other carriages there. We got out and walked over a hill to Wal-Mart. We were shopping for doll baby strollers for Lucy and Lisa. It was fun, there were other Amish people shopping also. It was white trash and physical degeneration city. We were also looking for ice skates. We walked up to some of the employees behind the knife counter. They weren’t wearing uniforms or name tags. I could hardly tell if they worked there. As we got near them I heard the fat, white, toothless, dirty striped shirt girl say to the guy, “I can’t believe you ate 5 dozen eggs, you must be crazy.” They probably needed some Jersey butter. Employees, customers, everyone looked really messed up. Physical degeneration, it’s everywhere. I know it’s everywhere but it doesn’t sink into my head until I’m smack dab in the middle of a place like Wal-Mart. They didn’t have the doll baby strollers, neither did K-Mart, Dollar Tree or any other. I got Marie a retractable clothesline hanger. Naomi said that’s what she wanted. From there and back it took about 4- 5 hours. It’s exhausting to ride in a horse and buggy. It’s very cramped. I stopped by Homer’s to get the ice cream and give him a copy of Weston A. Price’s Nutrition and Physical Degeneration. They didn’t have it but knew about it. When I first met Homer I didn’t really like him too much. I liked what he did: good food and grass-fed Jerseys. I felt that he was cocky, self-assured, handsome and strong and he knew it. I didn’t like that about him even though that is exactly how I am. It’s funny sometimes when I meet people who are a lot like me, I don’t like them. They bug me. He’s a great human being, loving, caring to his family, dedicated to spreading his knowledge, why do I think the worst of people? I showed up and he was having dinner. I said hi and showed him the book and gave it to them. They smiled as I was leaving Homer asked, “How much do we owe you?” I said, “Nothing, Merry Christmas," and looked down. They smiled. I smiled.

1 This is an example of black comedy. This cute baby calf is dying and in death throes on the floor (black), and this little dog named Sparkle is getting off by humping it’s quivering leg (comedy). I wonder if God thought it was funny.

2 The butcher said according to the bible, animals have no souls, so apparently I am in the clear.

3 Lancaster, Pennsylvania is a culture shock. I have been living in Los Angeles for the last couple of years. The only horses I see are the ones that the cops ride at the beach. On that Christmas Day, we were bumper-to-horse and running red lights. Everyone in the cars seemed used to it. The Amish were used to it. As if car exhaust wasn’t bad enough, I had to deal with horse exhaust too!

Day 13 12/25/04

Day 13 12/25/04

I played ping pong with George today. He’s really good. They have a ping-pong table up in the barn. That’s where they hang out with their youth group sometimes. He has this incredible backhand serve with a crazy spin. He beat me about 5 times. I beat him once. We kept on asking each other what the rules were. He played Ping-Pong by the same rules I always played by. He asked if when the score is tied if we say “5 up” or whatever the number is. I said, “yeah, or 5 all.” It was fun. He was showing me how to hook up my cell phone to the diesel generator. He had something called an “in-router”, I think. It had an electrical outlet. I was very happy because I didn’t think there was an electrical outlet within 2 miles. All of a sudden, Elizabeth started yelling his name, then something in German very fast. He looked up and said, “What the Frick?” We run outside, one of the Jersey cows got stuck in the manure pit between the manure sprayer and the wall. She had fallen in the hole halfway. It looked like this (insert picture). We had no idea how long she had been there. She had pooped all over her back legs and her head was the only thing keeping her from falling in. She was upset. George ran to go change his clothes, he had on his nice ones ready for the youth group. I stayed with the cow. It was kind of nice because I could touch her and she couldn’t move away like they normally do. I was caressing her face, petting her, saying “shhhh”, etc. I don’t know if it calmed her or not. George came back and we saw Peter and he came over. None of us knew what to do. I suggested hooking up a horse to her and pulling her out. They didn’t think that was a good idea. We thought of a lot of different ways, we finally put a yoke around her neck. We attached a rope to it and George and I pulled as hard as we could. It took about a minute and we finally got her out. She was shaking really bad. There was a cold wind, her knees were scratched and bloody. It was funny, George and Peter were arguing about the best way to get her out. A little father and son argument. It sounded like my dad and me, the way I talk back to him sometimes. She couldn’t walk for a couple of minutes and finally went back inside. People started showing up for the youth group dressed really nice. George went and changed. We put the cow in a big pen inside with her two calves, hay and water. I felt good. It’s Christmas, I am living with the Amish and I am all alone. Albert and Marie left to go singing with their friends and I have the whole old house to myself. I went over to Peter's house, they were having a singing. Susan and Naomi’s youth group was there. Albert told me to get cleaned up (he meant it in a nice way) if I was going to go over. I got cleaned up the best I could. I don’t have any really nice clothes so I just put on a clean pair of pants and a dark grey sweater, I tried to make my hair look semi-nice. I didn’t shave because I’m trying to grow a beard to keep my face warm because it is so fricking cold. I rode Albert’s scooter other there. The 16 year olds were milling around. They seemed surprised to see me. I don’t think they expected to see an English there. I looked down, I felt uncomfortable looking them in the face. It seemed like they didn’t know whether to say hi to me or not. I walked in. There was more Amish and more of them were staring at me. I set my stuff down in a corner and went looking for a familiar face. The house was filled with 100-200 Amish. All the men and boys were hanging out together and all the women and girls were hanging out together. It felt like the women were staring at me, or more like inwardly startled to see me. They tried not to stare. I saw Elizabeth and said hi. She showed me where to sit. I was feeling really un-comfortable. People didn’t know whether to say hi or not. This little Amish girl sitting in front kept turning around and staring at me. I sat next to a gentleman named Daniel, he was warm and friendly. All the Amish kids in the youth group walked by to shake everyone’s hand¹. Some of them didn’t know whether to shake mine or not. Some did and smiled; some barely touched mine and walked away. I remarked to Daniel that a lot of them had limp handshakes. He said, “Yeah, cold fish.” I laughed because he knew what that was. We both smiled. All the girls looked alike. Same outfits, maybe slightly different colored dresses. Every girl had pretty much the same color. Same with the boys. Same haircut, same colored shirt mostly, same shoes etc. The girls sat on one end of the room, the boys on the other. I guess so they could look at each other and decide who their future mates would be. They started singing beautiful songs in German. Daniel opened the book and put it where I could see it. He asked if I could understand it, I said no, but I would read anyway. The songs were very haunting and beautiful. All of them were in German which made them sound even more haunting. It took them a couple of minutes to finish each sentence, they sang so slowly. They would draw out each syllable to the max and sing it up and down the scale. It was really pretty. Some of the Amish girls kept looking at me through the crowd of people. I was looking at a couple of them too. The unflattering dresses hide a lot, but you can still pick out the pretty ones. Many of the women were not pretty, many of the men were not handsome. I began to understand what Albert and Homer Adams meant when they said that a lot more illness and birth defects were starting to affect the Amish community. So many of the faces were right out of the Weston Price book. Crooked teeth, narrow faces, crowded arches, receding chins, messed up lower 3^rd of the face. It was really prevalent. A lot of them just looked weird. I left after 30-45 minutes. I thanked Daniel for his kindness.

1 It reminded me of Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

...the day after Christmas

Day 14 12/26/04

It’s the day after Christmas. I slept on the couch by the heater this morning it was extremely hot. I would have slept naked, which would have been fine because they aren’t coming back till this afternoon. I feel weird in sleeping naked in an Amish living room. Like I’m going to go to hell or something. I won’t though. My throat is really dry and scratchy, the heater is really hot and dry. I’m being very lazy today. I’m just hanging out reading and eating. I’m not really too bored though, now that I’m working really hard, I don’t get too bored on my off time. I don’t miss T.V., radio, electricity at all. Especially electricity. I don’t miss it at all. I love propane. I go to sleep in 5 minutes now since there is no artificial light or very little to keep me up. I got some books sent up here on Dec 13. I told Albert to tell his family about it so they would know they are for me. I don’t think he did. I was talking to Elizabeth and she just remembered it. She kept saying, “I thought what for these books?” over and over. Albert and I were laughing. The books are about vedic astrology, so she had no idea what they were. I told her they are about stars. She’s funny and sweet. She gave me a footstool as a Christmas present. Her mom made it. It’s seven large aluminum juice cans wrapped in velvet with a pattern of birds on top. She made me write a return address on it in case I lost it. I told her I’d make a chocolate cake for her. She said that’s not the deal, and I told her that if I didn’t remember the footstool, I’d make her a cake anyways. George called and left a message on my cell phone today. I called him back. He said he was watching a Falcons game with a friend. I don’t think he is supposed to be doing that, I didn’t say anything.

I have been here exactly two weeks.

Day 15 12/27/04

I have been her exactly two weeks. Time really goes slow when you’re not sleeping through it. I spend a lot of waking hours with these people. I got a chance to make breakfast today. I made eggs frittata with cheese, bacon, onion and garlic and spices. I really need to get some good fresh herbs; it would make things really good. They loved it, it tasted really good. I tried to make another dessert with just cream and eggs. It just doesn’t work. I followed a recipe in the Wise Traditions catalogue and still didn’t come out like I wanted it. It seems too eggy and firm. I need some advice. They loved it though. Lucy was fawning over it. She was hanging out right by me on the couch. I would give her a spoonful... Her teeth would touch the metal of the spoon and make a clicking sound. She would take a bite, look away, then stand on her tippy toes to see if there was more. I would say, “Me?” (like “may”) which means “more” in German. She wanted a lot “me”. They started smiling and laughing, they’re not afraid of me anymore. I really want kids. Lucy and Lisa make me want to have kids. I was really lazy today. Just hung out. Took a midday 1-2 hour nap. It was extremely cold and windy today. It was so cold that I didn’t want to breathe through my mouth because it made my teeth cold. The guy who delivered the chicken feed today said it was minus 15 with the wind chill. We were joking about the bull, it came after him once too. He said he’s a city boy and he can’t tell the difference between male or female. I asked what city, he said “New York.” I told him I had just come from there. He said he was there on 9/11. He said the fire ball was beautiful and ugly at the same time. He said it felt like someone threw an M-80 at his feet. He was going to say more, then had to go help the other guy in the truck. The name of the company was Schreck and sons, I wonder if he was one of the sons and they were brothers. They both had narrow faces and squished, lower 3^rd of the face. Elizabeth still hasn’t found my Vedic Astrology books yet. I told her the books are about stars. I didn’t want to tell her it was astrology because I though she might not like that. She started getting suspicious, she said, “Like using stars to tell time?” I said, “I don’t think so.” I like messing with her, not in a mean way. I like to joke around with her a lot to make her laugh and smile. For breakfast I had scrapple, egg frittata, sauerkraut and a pear. Lunch was cheese, sauerkraut, another pear and cream. Dinner was creamed corn, veal, lard made French fries, sauerkraut, homemade ketchup. They ate the dessert, chocolate vanilla custard or whatever it is. I was cleaning the gutter with Marie tonight, she kept saying “Gouda Gao,” (Good Horsey). I was pulling the shovel. They call me “The Horse” a lot. Jersey cows are so cute. The tan one we have is adorable. Short, big puppy dog brown eyes, and really fat, like pregnant fat, she’s not pregnant though. Holsteins are a little more scary, they’re huge. If cows played basketball, Holsteins would have a definite advantage. I’m letting Albert use my cell phone tonight, it’s really cold and lonely at the phone on the road. I want him to be able to spend time with his family more at night. I have free minutes after 9pm and on weekends. I hope I’m not being a bad influence. He just came in and asked how to use my phone. He said he thinks he dialed my mom by mistake. I think he called Diane (my girlfriend). This is funny.

Day 16 12/28/04

Day 16 12/28/04

Today was a good day. I guess I find myself constantly trying to not get involved. Albert and Marie listen to a lot of my advice about their lifestyle and their business. They’re doing better, healthwise than 99% of the population and there is still room for improvement. I’m getting emotionally attached, I need to step back. I need to just sit and observe and not try to make it "Nate’s Perfect Amish Organic Farm." I sat around a lot. I helped Albert pack a little. I’m pretty good at cutting the cheese into 1 lb blocks. I usually get right around one pound when I cut. They need a cheese knife bad. I’m cutting a 14 inch in diameter and six inch think block of cheddar on a cutting board the size of 2 decks of playing cards with a dull knife that bends like rubber. I finally got my Vedic astrology books. I think Elizabeth is going senile. I asked if she could look for them today and she said she wouldn’t look for them but hopefully at sometime during the day, her memory will be jogged and she will remember where she put them. I knew she never would have found them so I told Albert that she was being difficult. He talked to her and told her how I was disappointed in her. 5 minutes late, my books are on the counter. They were in the attic. I knew it would work. We had to go to Homer Adams today to make ice cream. Albert also needed some chickens slaughtered so we tied a wagon containing 30 chickens in boxes to the back of the buggy and head to Homer’s. I felt uncomfortable doing this. It’s one thing to ask your neighbor for a cup of sugar, or to stop by unexpectedly. I felt uncomfortable saying, “Hey, we know we asked to make ice cream today with your equipment. Can we also slaughter, de-feather, skin, and gut 30 chickens using your facilities without any notice?” It didn’t work out thank god because Homer was using the hot water thing you dip the chickens in to get the feathers off easy to make cottage cheese. Peter and I would have been there for hours. We were on the way to Homer’s and Peter asked how long I was staying for. I said till about Mid January. He thought it over and said I should see if I could stay another month or so. At first that made me suspicious (why am I so negative?) Immediately I thought, “Oh, it’s because they need help and they want me for free labor.” I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way. On the way home we stepped by Fischer’s Health food store, which is a health food store run by the Amish so I could get some fruit and show Marie what Rapadura (unrefined cane sugar) is. We were riding back, I offered Peter an apple. He said, “No, it’s your and you paid for it.” I said, “Yeah, but I like to share.” He said something along the lines that I’m sharing a lot by helping out, and that they’re glad that I am here etc. I was touched and not that suspicious. We were milking the cows at night and John, Albert’s brother was hanging out. He said that I’m doing a good job, etc. It was like “Stroke Nathan’s Ego Night”. That part made me feel good. I didn’t feel so good when I called my mom. She’s stressed because UPS can’t find one of my packages, and I messed up and sent them in a way that cost about a hundred dollars more. She was upset because she said we’re living on borrowed money right now. I don’t want my parents to be poor or be in debt. I want them to have money and not have to worry; they are such wonderful people who have helped so many no matter how little they have had. They have always looked out for me. I want to make money so they can have money. I need to figure that out. How I can help people and make money? I know I will. Vedic Astrology will help with figuring that out. Ben (my cousin) is saying that astrologically, I am right on and doing exactly what I need to. We need to both figure out what we need to do to help our moms. He feels the same way about his mom. Plus, the tsunami thing happened where so far 60,000 people have died. That is a bummer.

For breakfast, I had an avocado with lettuce, butter, bacon, eggs, cream and sauerkraut. Marie had some sauerkraut this morning and said she liked it. I knew she would come around. Dinner was spareribs with super fatty meat and bones that were soft as French fries. I ate mostly the bones. I love marrow. Mashed potatoes and green beans and carrots. I just had some whey. I love whey. Oh yeah, I ate an apple with dinner too. “Dang-A” (Thank you).

barnyard philosophy

Day 17 12/29/04

Today…(dot dot dot) was a gross day. I got to pluck and eviscerate 6 chickens today. I didn’t kill them, Peter did. He did it a different way than Homer did. He put the head between two nails on a log and chopped it with a machete. An old, rusty, pitted machete. As soon as he did that the head separated from the body, a white piece of skin, which I guess was the eyelid, immediately covered the eye. He tossed the chicken to the side. I fully understand the saying “Like a chicken with its head cut off” now. Chickens who have their heads cut off act like spazzes. They still seem alive. They flap around, do double backflips, literally double backflips and act like they are alive. I had to corral them or grab them to make sure they didn’t flap too far away. I still tried to be gentle when I grabbed them. Even though they were obviously dead, I still didn’t’ want to grab them hard. Peter didn’t care, of course. I was telling Albert tonight how a lot of English people think animals are cute and cuddly and that they can kind of understand humans. I told him this was probably because all the cartoons and movies with animals that talk, dance and sing. I’m beginning to see now that animals aren’t as human as people like to think. They seem to act mostly on instinct and learned behavior. The cows with calves get pissed if they don’t get a chance to hang out with their calves. They moo a lot, at first it seems like they do that because they care and are compassionate. Now I don’t feel that way as much, the more I hang around animals and the more I kill and gut them and see their insides. A lot of the mystery is gone. I feel how temporary my body is now. I feel my muscles and I feel them inside me like I was feeling the chicken’s muscles. It seems like people are more like animals than animals are like people. I’m hanging out with a bunch of people who are raised up with the same patterns, beliefs, clothes, haircuts, etc. Sometimes they seem like a herd of cows. Reacting with instinct and the way they were told to react. And it’s the same in the English world. That’s why advertisements work, they tell you to do something and you do it. People do what they’ve learned. That’s why the Amish are Amish because they learned life the Amish way and English are English because they learned life the English way. The insides of these chickens were different than the insides of the ones at Homer’s. These were older. They had eggs inside them. One actually had a whole ready to eat egg. I ate it raw. Tasted like a normal egg. There were other not yet formed eggs inside. They were golden with red veins. I tried one of them, they tasted pretty good. Peter said they taste great and likes to eat them too, probably not raw though. I ate a liver, ate some chicken fat, tastes gross. I felt okay, didn’t feel too sick and didn’t feel as “Take on the world” awesome as I used to do with the raw liver. I tried some of the poop; Aajonus says it is good for you. I heard traditional people used to eat poop from healthy animals sometimes. Albert and I always tease Marie about eating animal poop. So I tried it, a little, little piece. Wasn’t too gross, tasted grassy. I don’t view poop the same way as I did before. When I cut open a chicken, I see the food before, during and after. It’s still the same thing just smells different. The knives were way too dull. I was supposed to make 3 chickens boneless also, couldn’t do it. I had to have Naomi take over. She said she used to work in a market, she tore that chicken apart. She’s a little firecracker, she’s full of energy and really helps Albert out. They started burning wood and plastic in the stripping room, which is the room where we do the packing. The furnace leaks. Today it was really bad, I couldn’t even go in there. They don’t have many trash cans, they just take their trash and burn it. I told Naomi there were clouds of death in there. She boiled some water and vinegar and said that would help with the smell. I don’t know if it did, I didn’t want to go back in there. Albert and I are excited about his pastured veal. It’s pretty hard to get, most people when they hear the word “veal” think, “conventional, cement floor, chained, evil, factory farm veal”. I keep telling Albert they’ll make so much money if they sell pastured veal. I tell him people will call and immediately they’ll ask if it was chained to a cement floor. As soon as they know it was humanely raised they’ll buy it. We’re also excited about the eggs from the pastured hens. They’ve been feeding them oats and for the past couple of days Peter has been feeding them skim milk as a protein source. He said they seem better and healthier and are laying more eggs. I told Albert it’s a perfect marketing tool. No corn or soy, just oats and milk. I said he can soak the oats in the milk and then he’ll be feeding them oatmeal for breakfast, and thriving on it. And if he sours the milk, even better. I told him he could jack up the price another 2 dollars and make millions. I don’t think anyone else is really doing that right now. Hope it works. I love the brown Jersey, I’m in love. I call her “Daddy’s Little Girl”. She reminds me of a fat baby who is just learning to walk and who is so cute and fat and falls down on her diapered butt so much that all of the adults laugh and say “What a cute baby.” I’ve been talking to her a little more sexually too. Not in a bestiality way, in a funny way. I am slightly turned on by her though. I’m not going to fuck her, its funny. For breakfast I had scrapple, eggs, fermented carrots, cauliflower and broccoli (chow-chow). An eggnog for supper (lunch). Dinner was potato egg pancakes, creamed corn, butter of course, pretty light, just had an apple, feel okay.